Infertility is a bitch. Let's tell the world.

It's National Infertility Awareness Week!

What is that you ask?

It's simply a week to raise awareness of an invisible disease that affects so, so many people...like me.

Before my husband and I started the process of seeking medical help for our journey....everything was hard.

Seeing friends become pregnant was hard.

Going to a baby shower was hard.

Hearing the wonderful news of a birth was hard.

Watching a nature show was hard.

Going shopping was hard.

Holidays were hard.

Nephews birthday parties were hard.

Going to work was hard.

Truly enjoying ourselves was hard.

We waited much too long before getting help.  But there were reasons for that.

Infertility (no matter who is at fault, the man, the woman or both) is a cold disease.  It can wear you down quickly, build you back up with one good appointment and then rip your heart out with a negative test result.
It not only strains your body, it strains your marriage, your finances, your other relationships...and your soul.

Treatment was not a conclusion we could have jumped to lightly.

We knew it would test us.  Test our patience, test our commitment, test our trust, test our hope.

This is why it took 5 years for us to get through the door of our infertility clinic for our first appointment.

At 35 weeks pregnant thanks to an IVF treatment with ICSI, it's surreal to sit here and think about where we were 5 years ago....where we were even a year ago.

As part of Infertility Awareness Week, NPR hosted a panel on the Trials and Tribulations of Assisted Reproduction  (http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-04-23/trials-and-tribulations-assisted-reproduction) and it both broke my heart and lifted my spirits.

If you listen to the replay, at 29:40 one of the panelists says "you're experiencing infertility in a largely fertile world"...it made me remember how truly alone I felt in a massive, massive world...because everything around me seemed to be reproducing....except me.  My family members, the birds in our yard, the ridiculously gross-looking spiders on the Discovery channel........everything.

I remember feeling so alone (even though my family, friends and husband loved me incredibly well) that I wanted to just run away and disappear.

I know people that are at that stage now......they've admitted it to themselves that they are infertile....and they're not quite sure how to proceed....but they are sure of this....they feel incredibly alone.

I want so badly to be a resource for those that have questions about this disease...but I also know you can't force this information onto someone that isn't ready to receive it, or isn't willing to accept it.

We have many wonderful friends that helped pave the road for us by being open about their infertility experiences.  I can never thank them enough for that.

I only hope I can return the favor by being open about our story and possibly helping to pave the road for someone else.

I've said it before and I'll say it again....

Infertility is a bitch. 

Let's tell the world.

Operation Jellyman Kelly: Final IUI's

DISCLAIMER: Any blog posts titled "Operation Jellyman Kelly" will no doubt gross you out. These posts will describe our current treatments for infertility...so if you have a weak stomach or don't know how you'd have a conversation with me in person after reading this....stop reading now. ; )

Ultrasound yesterday showed I had only 3 follicles (even though they doubled the drugs) so I'm pretty frustrated.  The good thing however is that all three of them are very good sizes according to Dr. R. (Dr. T is on vacation).

This morning we did another IUI procedure and tomorrow will be (I desperately hope) the last IUI procedure before closing this chapter and moving on to the next.

IVF......here we come.

Operation Jellyman Kelly: Here we go again

DISCLAIMER: Any blog posts titled "Operation Jellyman Kelly" will no doubt gross you out. These posts will describe our current treatments for infertility...so if you have a weak stomach or don't know how you'd have a conversation with me in person after reading this....stop reading now. ; )

Well I must say....it has been absolutely wonderful for me having taken the last 3 months off from treatments.

No drugs.

No going crazy from the drugs.

No needles.

No ultrasounds.

No charting.

No false hope.

But alas....like all good things....it must come to an end.

IUI #3.....here we go again.

Dr. T has doubled the dosage of all the drugs to see if I can produce more eggs this go round.  This IUI cycle will also be used as a test to see how well this dosage works so we have a good idea of how much I'll need to take when we go into our first IVF cycle.

First U/S was this morning and first dose of Clomid was this afternoon.

Headaches, mood swings and extreme bloating...here I come!

Operation Jellyman Kelly: Try, Try Again

DISCLAIMER: Any blog posts titled "Operation Jellyman Kelly" will no doubt gross you out. These posts will describe our current treatments for infertility...so if you have a weak stomach or don't know how you'd have a conversation with me in person after reading this....stop reading now. ; )

My apologies for not keeping the blog updated.

After the big FAIL of our first IUI cycle I just wasn't up for sharing that much.

I'm over it.  ; )

So when your cycle fails, you have to go in for 3rd day labs which consists of an ultrasound and bloodwork.

Dr. T found a cyst on my left ovary during the ultrasound but it was small enough that he wasn't concerned and the bloodwork apparently came back ok.

Thankfully, that meant we could go directly into another IUI cycle.

Well, I say thankfully because I just didn't want to feel like we were wasting a cycle...but my husband may have other opinions on the matter (he's the one that has to deal with my over-hormonal madness).

So I was back on the drugs, back on the injections and back on the table with bottoms off and legs up.

The actual IUI procedures felt much better this time.

I didn't cramp us as much as I had the first time and the discomfort and pressure in my abdomen didn't last nearly as long.

Today I had my second dose of the HCG shot so now we enter the 2 week wait....again.

Our thought is just to get through 3 cycles of IUI so we can move on to IVF. 

I'm done fantasizing about the IUI's working.

I know that sounds extremely negative, but it helps me deal with the fact that my life is currently broken up into 2 week increments.

Blah!

Sidenote: I really appreciate Dr.'s offices that hang art on the ceiling.

When you spend so much time lying down and looking up...it's very comforting.

This was the view from table in room #1:

And this was the view from table in room #2:

Sidenote #2: One of Dr. T's nurses likes to call patients from the waiting room like they've been chosen for a game show...."Mrs. D----come ON BACK!" 

I appreciate that.  ; )

Operation Jellyman Kelly: Heart-break for Valentines Day

DISCLAIMER: Any blog posts titled "Operation Jellyman Kelly" will no doubt gross you out. These posts will describe our current treatments for infertility...so if you have a weak stomach or don't know how you'd have a conversation with me in person after reading this....stop reading now. ; )

Well.

We didn't even get to the 17th.

My natural cycle came with a vengeance today.

This IUI is a fail.


I wish I could say we're totally fine because we half-expected this wouldn't work....

but the other half of us that did expect this to work...that hoped and prayed and dreamed it would...isn't totally fine.

We're heart-broken.

It was a first step in the right direction, but it still hurts like hell.

We know we're still getting good thoughts and prayers sent our way but I think I can safely speak for my husband when I ask that we not be asked about this failed cycle.  We're strong people, but sometimes it's too hard to talk about, especially if you haven't been in our shoes. 

Right now we're just sad.  Disappointed.  Pissed.  Depressed.

I don't want any of that unleashed on anyone.


Tomorrow I'll be calling Dr. T's office and finding out if we can move directly into another IUI cycle (we have to try IUI 3 times before insurance will allow us to try IVF) and scheduling 3rd day labs for insurance purposes since this cycle was a bust. 

Happy Valentine's Day to us.  =(

Operation Jellyman Kelly: IUI's complete

DISCLAIMER: Any blog posts titled "Operation Jellyman Kelly" will no doubt gross you out. These posts will describe our current treatments for infertility...so if you have a weak stomach or don't know how you'd have a conversation with me in person after reading this....stop reading now. ; )

IUI's were performed yesterday and today.

Now we enter the two week wait to see if it took.

Yesterdays procedure began with my husband having to take his "guys" to be cleaned.  Unfortunately, the lab where this takes place is 30 minutes from our house, so this weekend was all about driving:

Drive to the lab for specimen cleaning.
Drive home.
Drive back to the lab 2 hours later to pick up cleaned "guys".
Drive to Dr. T's office for IUI.
Repeat everything on Sunday.

The IUI procedure itself wasn't painful and took all of 30 seconds the first time.

I was instructed to lay still on the bed for 10 minutes (even though it's not proven to help) and for the 10 minutes I felt a massive cramp coming on.  I didn't realize how uncomfortable I would be after the IUI.  I couldn't even bend over to put my shoes back on...my husband had to do it.  I was just.....bloated and in pain.  It felt (and still feels) as if a balloon has been inflated inside of my abdomen.  When I sit down I have to sit down slowly because it feels as if the balloon will pop.  When I do sit down slowly, it feels like the balloon shifts within me and puts more pressure on my upper abdomen and chest area. 

It.Is.Bizarre.

Once we left Dr. T's office yesterday I was in a lot of pain.  The cramping came all at once and so during the drive I had to lay the seat all the way back and just breathe through it.

It got better soon after that, but I still felt extremely uncomfortable.

We ended up staying in all day yesterday.

Today's procedure went about the same, only Dr. T seemed to take longer to get the "guys" where they needed to go.  There wasn't much pain after this procedure but I'm not sure I'd know if there was additional pain because I'm still extremely bloated and uncomfortable from yesterday.

When I asked Dr. T if that was normal and if it was from the IUI he said it wasn't...it's those 5 or 6 eggs I've got.  They're doing their thing and it's freaking my body out.

I can't say the bloatiness is making me feel pregnant...but it's certainly making me look it!  LOL!

So that's that.

We're crossing our fingers, saying prayers, thinking good thoughts and rubbing Buddha's belly for the next two weeks.

I've read on some infertility blogs that it's good to keep yourself very busy during the two week wait...so projects be warned....I'm coming for you.

Operation Jellyman Kelly: IUI Delayed

DISCLAIMER: Any blog posts titled "Operation Jellyman Kelly" will no doubt gross you out. These posts will describe our current treatments for infertility...so if you have a weak stomach or don't know how you'd have a conversation with me in person after reading this....stop reading now. ; )

I went in for blood work and another ultrasound today.

Dr. T was able to make out what he thought to be 5 or 6 eggs.

Great news!  I think?

The only problem...they're not big enough.

So....I'm continuing on the gonal-F injections for another two nights and then go in for another ultrasound on Friday morning.  If everything looks good Friday, they'll give me the trigger shot and we'll be doing IUI over the weekend.

Wish us luck!!!!!!!

Operation Jellyman Kelly: More shots

DISCLAIMER:  Any blog posts titled "Operation Jellyman Kelly" will no doubt gross you out.  These posts will describe our current treatments for infertility...so if you have a weak stomach or don't know how you'd have a conversation with me in person after reading this....stop reading now.  ; )

We've done three nights of FSH injections now and my husband has been handling the needle like a champ!

I have to admit...I'm a little worried about the next set of injections (HCG) we're expecting later this week.

I've heard they are delivered via the buttocks and that is what I'm terrified of.

When I was a child, it took at least 2 people (sometimes 3) to hold me down for shots.

I was that afraid of needles.

I was willing to fight my own mother in order to avoid any kind of injections.

And injections to the butt or legs.....those were the worst for me.

So I'm hoping I can keep myself calm and just get through it.

Cross your fingers for us....if all goes according to schedule we should be doing the IUIs on Thursday and Friday of this week.

Operation Jellyman Kelly: IUI Cycle

DISCLAIMER:  Any blog posts titled "Operation Jellyman Kelly" will no doubt gross you out.  These posts will describe our current treatments for infertility...so if you have a weak stomach or don't know how you'd have a conversation with me in person after reading this....stop reading now.  ; )

And so it begins....

My cycle started on a weekend (lovely) and so this past Monday was day 3; which meant a quick ultrasound to make sure everything looks fine before we start the cycle and my first dose of Clomid.

I'm on a low dose of Clomid so I didn't think it would have that much of a hormonal effect...but I've definitely noticed a few things........

for instance....

I'm more fidgety than normal.  I can't seem to keep my hands still and my foot always seems to be rocking back and forth in an almost panic-like state.

I'm EXTREMELY thirsty so I'm drinking a LOT of water thus causing me to use the latrine every 20 minutes.

I'm also experiencing waves of emotion at random times which luckily has not struck while I've been at work yet.

I'm also very feisty in the evenings....(unfortunately for my husband...I've been picking fights every night since I've started the Clomid).

I can't seem to focus on one thing at a time either.

I get easily (super easily) annoyed too.

The most unfortunate side effect I'm experiencing are the hot flashes in the evening.  I'm so uncomfortable that I can't sleep and so I'm exhausted at work all day.

So, that's how the Clomid is treating me.  ; )

Days 3-7 are Clomid days.

Days 8-11 are injections of Gonal-F.

I'm really not looking forward to days 8-11.

On day 12 there is a blood test, urine test, repeat ultrasound to see if I need further stimulation.

If all looks good, I'll get an injection that triggers ovulation, we'll do the IUI procedure (twice) and then cross our fingers and hope we made a baby.

Today is day 7. 

Tomorrow marks the start of the shots that my husband will be administering.

His homework is to practice with a sample injection on an orange.

We just got the medication (and needles and biohazard waste can) from the Dr.'s office yesterday.

I thought it was quite adorable that the nurses threw in a bag of chocolate Hershey kisses.

Very, very sweet of them.  =)

Operation Jellyman Kelly: Surgery Follow-up

DISCLAIMER:  Any blog posts titled "Operation Jellyman Kelly" will no doubt gross you out.  These posts will describe our current treatments for infertility...so if you have a weak stomach or don't know how you'd have a conversation with me in person after reading this....stop reading now.  ; )

Three weeks after my laparoscopy my husband and I went to our "check-up" appointment with Dr. T.

I had been looking forward to this appointment because I really wanted to see the pictures Dr. T took with the laparoscope during surgery.

(I allowed him to take photos of the surgery for educational purposes.)

I had been extremely jealous that my husband had already seen these photos...shortly after the surgery.

As it turns out....photos of your uterus and ovaries are kind of...gooey.  I'm not entirely sure what I expected of the photos....but it was a little gross.

He summarized how the surgery had gone and that he'd found absolutely nothing wrong.


"So as you can see...nothing exceptional."


Nothing exceptional?  Way to make a girl feel special Dr. T.


He pushed the photos towards me on his desk...


"These are copies if you'd like to keep them..."


I laughed and respectfully declined.  Not exactly the type of photos I want to put up on the fridge.

Dr. T asked how we wanted to proceed regarding treatments, so we decided on the least invasive, least expensive (and unfortunately least likely to succeed) treatment....IUI (or intrauterine insemination).


I asked how soon we could try a round of IUI.

"As soon as you start your cycle."

Awesome.  My cycle was scheduled to start in a week and a half.


We didn't expect to walk out of that appointment with a plan, a prescription for Clomid and a practice kit for FSH injections...

but we did.