Life without Kea, a year later...

We lost our Kea girl a year ago today.  And while it's only been a year, it feels as though it's been much longer since we last cuddled with our little "baby cakes".

Jody and I got Kea while we were still dating (we were both in the Air Force and living together in a basement that we rented from another AF acquaintance at the time).

We didn't mean to purchase her from a pet store...we were simply going to "look" to see what type of dog we wanted.  And there she was....the smallest and unhealthiest looking puppy I'd ever seen.  We knew we wanted her the moment we saw her.  And we knew we needed to get her out of that pet store.

And so, little Kealoha Lani Des Roches joined our tribe.

We tried fattening her up as quickly as possible but as she continued to grow, we realized this was a typical boxer trait....to remain skinny and lean.

Kea was a delightful part of our lives, but in all honesty, she and I didn't have the best of relationships at the start.  We were both females competing for Jody's attention.  And she was MUCH cuter than me, so she often won those battles.  ; )

Kea and Jody had a bond I'd never seen between human and animal before.

I'd grown up without pets so to witness the devotion Kea had for Jody....well...it was amazing...and wonderful....and completely endearing.

Nothing could keep Kea away from Jody.  Nothing.

At one point (after I'd moved back home to Hawaii and Jody stayed in Colorado) Kea jumped out of the back of Jody's car while he ran in to a Home Depot.  According to witnesses, she apparently ran straight for the Depot entrance to follow Jody in but someone saw her and tried to corral her and she ran off in the opposite direction. This Home Depot was many miles from where Jody lived at the time.

I remember getting the call from Jody that she'd run off....I'd never heard him so frantic in the 2 years I'd known him.

She went missing for days.

My heart hurt for Jody.  I knew he'd be devastated if anything happened to her.

And then a few days later, I got another call from Jody.

A family had found Kea walking on the side of the road and took her in.  She hadn't been wearing a collar but they checked with the local animal shelters (each of which had been called by Jody and given a description of Kea) and they were able to get in touch with Jody.

The road where the family found her was apparently half way between the Home Depot and home.

I truly believe she was making her way back to Jody.

When Jody and I got married, I'd had Gridgery for about a year.  Gridge and Kea met for the first time in the back of Jody's car while we said our vows in a Vegas drive-thru wedding. 

When the four of us moved in together....Kea and Gridge didn't really know what to make of each other...

They didn't really play, they didn't fight, they just kind of....tolerated one another.

Four weeks and a new bed spread later...they were inseparable...

We were a family of four.....

My relationship with Kea was drastically different at that point.  No longer did we compete for Jody's attention.  There were four of us.  Jody had Kea, I had Gridge.  And if Jody wanted to cuddle with me, Kea could cuddle with Gridge.

Though most of the time, both Kea and Gridge just wanted to cuddle with us...

Life with these pups was absolutely wonderful.  Obviously we had our ups and downs....but they both taught us so much...

love, patience, devotion, responsibility.

We were so lucky to have two magical souls in our lives for the time we did.

A year ago today since her passing and I feel guilty in admitting that I haven't grieved as much over the loss of Kea as I did over the loss of Gridge.  Obviously the bonds were different.  Kea was Jody's dog.  Gridge was my dog.  But I think the other reason is because we've had so much going on.

When we lost Gridge to cancer, we had just purchased a house and while that was definitely a HUGE distraction from my grief, it only kept my grief at bay for a little while.

When we lost Kea, we were just heading to Hawaii for a 3 week stay, we were in the middle of infertility treatments, we had a LOT of recreational activities taking place, we'd adopted another boxer....there was just so much going on that I couldn't possibly let myself get lost in my grief.  I don't know if Jody feels the same way.  We deal with grief differently.  But I know he misses his Kea-girl.

Thank you Kea and Gridge for loving us so well.

Baby Kea

We lost our Kea girl today.

I can't put into words the grief....

I can only feel it.

Thank you Baby Kea, for loving us so, so well these 11 years.

I know you're with Gridgery again, and that makes me so incredibly happy.

We love you so, so much.

Life without Gridge, a year later

Friday, August 27th marked a year since losing Gridgery.

It's really hard to believe it's been 365 days since that terrible afternoon at the animal clinic when I made the most difficult decision in my life.

Not a day goes by that I don't feel conflicted about that decision either.

I thought it would get easier.

I thought at some point, surely at some point...I wouldn't feel as guilty.

It was, after-all my decision to end his suffering.

It was my responsibility as his Mom to interpret his needs.

He was in pain.

He was clearly in pain.

On August 26th, while laying in a wild patch of weeds in our yard, he looked to the sky as I sat in front of him, taking as many photos of him as possible, knowing he wasn't going to be with me much longer.

He looked to the sky, and then he looked at me.

I've heard many stories about people losing their animals. About people having to make the heart-breaking decision of putting their animals down. About the "moment" you know it's the right thing do to. The "moment" when your animal tells you it's time.

When he looked at me that day.....

I knew.

And it hurt like a mother-effer.

I called the Vet that afternoon, in tears, asking what to do.

"Come in tomorrow afternoon. You don't want him in pain."

When I hung up with the Vet I immediately called Jody, still in tears.

"I need you there. I can't do this by myself. I won't be able to do this by myself."

He was home earlier than usual that day, and took the next day off of work.

That last evening with Gridge, I held him as much as humanly possible.

I sang to him.

I cried on him.

I couldn't believe I'd be taking him to the Vet the next day...to die.

I didn't sleep that night...so I ended up lying on the floor with Gridge, talking to him all night.

I told him how happy he made me.

I thanked him for loving me so well.

I told him once he got to heaven, to chase each and every squirrel, to eat as many treats as he wanted, to nap on any bed he chose and to have as much fun as possible...because if any creature in this world deserved happiness...it was my baby boy.

I also told him to listen for my call....because one day we would be reunited.

August 27th, Gridge was still in terrible shape.

I hoped a miracle would have happened overnight...that Gridge would have woken with new energy and spirits....telling me he was ready to continue the fight. That it wasn't "time" after all.

But nothing had changed.

He went outside with Kea and they both sat in the dirt on the side of the house.

It seemed as if Kea knew these were her last moments with him.

She stuck very close to him the rest of the afternoon.

Then the hour I dreaded was upon us.

It was time to take him to the Vet.

We took Kea to my sister-in-law's house. I couldn't stand the idea of bringing her and having her be a part of what would happen.

When we got to the animal clinic, I couldn't make myself get out of the car.

I turned around and looked at Gridge. He was sitting up in the back of the car, looking out the window.

He recognized where we were. We'd been there a dozen times just in the last month.

I suddenly felt like a monster.

Here we were, walking him into the Vet as if we were going to a regular appointment.

But there wouldn't be anything regular about it.

We were walking him to his death....and I didn't know what to do.

Once in the clinic, the receptionist immediately put us in one of the private rooms.

It was a typical clinic room; cabinetry for medical supplies, a steel table, animal posters on the wall...we'd become accustomed to these rooms over the last several months.

Gridge was having a hard time breathing. I could tell he was stressed about being there. He never liked coming to the clinic.

I sat on the floor and Gridge sprawled out in front of me...leaning against me.

I wanted to pick him up and run away.

I knew it would be selfish.

I knew it would only prolong his pain.

So I just sat there, massaging his shoulders, smelling him, grabbing his cheeks.

Jody sat down next to me and started rubbing Gridge's ears.

The Vet and a technician walked in.

She knelt down and examined Gridge one more time.

She determined this was the right decision and said she'd be back with the injection.

A moment later, she returned and proceeded to explain how the injection would work.

"I'm going to give him a shot. As far as he's concerned, it's a shot of medicine. It wont hurt him. He'll go to sleep quickly. And then he'll stop breathing."

Upon hearing this, my body started pushing against the wall I was sitting up against.

Had there not been a wall there....I would have taken him and run.

I started to cry.

"I know this is difficult, but you need to stay calm. He knows when you're stressed and he'll be concerned. We want to keep him as calm as possible."

I continued pushing against that wall.

"I want you both to stay on the floor with him as you are now and I'm going to give him the injection in the back leg. You'll want to hold his head so he can rest on you when he goes to sleep."

None of this was making sense to me.

This wasn't real.

This couldn't be real.

The Vet moved toward Gridge with the needle and my entire body tensed.

I was about to break down.

"Reassure him, he knows you're upset." The Vet said.

And with that, she gave him the shot.

Gridge faintly yelped at the sting of the injection and I was immediately on top of him, telling him everything was going to be OK.

"It's ok baby....it's going to be ok. You're going to be ok."

And in a moment, he was gone.

It was...so fast.

"He's at peace now. Stay with him as long as you want. When you're ready to leave, go straight home. Don't try to do anything else today. I'm so, so sorry for your loss."

The Vet may have said more...but I didn't hear her.

I lost myself in my grief.

I cried so hard that my insides felt as if they'd burst.

My baby wasn't moving any more.

He wasn't breathing any more.

Jody starting sobbing and I remember thinking it had been some time since I saw him cry.


But that didn't matter.

What mattered was that my Gridge was at peace now.

No more vomiting everything he tried to eat and drink up.

No more pain in his hips.

No more struggling to breathe.

No more.

Through our sobbing, we kept talking to him.

Jody thanked him for being so good to us.

I told him to look for my Papa and Gigi and Jody's Dad Ron.

We told him how sorry we were.

I kept telling him how much I loved him.

I held him for a long time.

At some point Jody left the room.

I don't know how much time passed. I didn't understand the concept of time just then.

All I understood was that...my baby was gone.

My baby that I raised and loved for 9 years as my child...not as my pet.

I kissed Gridge on the cheek one last time and rubbed his soft ears.

They were cold.

He was cold now.

I'm not sure why that surprised me...but it did...and I started sobbing again.

"Remember what I told you baby. Remember to listen for my call."

A moment later, Jody came back into the room, collected me, and ushered me to the car.

The rest of the day was a blur.

I know we picked up Kea.

I remember Kea starring at the door when we got home....waiting for us to let Gridge in.

I remember looking at his empty bed.

I remember picking up the towel he had been sleeping on and smelling it.

It still smelled like him.

I lost myself in my grief again and Jody put me straight to bed thus ending the worst day of my life.

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A year later, I've had good days and bad.

There are days when I can't stop thinking about Gridge yelping at the sting of the injection.

There are days when I laugh so hard remembering how funny and silly my boy was.

I cry a little some days.

And sometimes I sob.

There are still days I accidentally call out his name.

Most days though....most days I feel him with me.

Most days he somehow manages to make me smile.

Bringing Gridge into my life was the best thing I'd ever done for myself.

Letting Gridge go was the hardest.

To honor my baby boy, a year later, I decided to get a tribute tattoo of a scaled down version of his paw print with a heart inside...because he'll always, always own a piece of my heart.

I love you Gridgery Lee.

Obon Festival 2010

(July 10, 2010)

The Ekoji Temple in Fairfax, Va was host to the 2010 Obon Festival.

The food, the music, the dancing...it was all as spectacular as last year.

This year they also had a special guest performance by The Aloha Boys!

It was fantastic!

For those unfamiliar with Obon....it's essentially a festival or celebration of the life of your passed on loved ones.  It's meant to be a celebration of the life they lived.  You dance for them, you remember them, you pray for them, you're with them.

The Aloha Boys and their hula dancers...

LOVE kimonos!

Jasmine dancing for her Baba at her first Obon festival....

Our favorite Taiko group (Nen Daiko)!!!

Lit candles for my lost loved ones.....this year...the new candle was for my Gridgery....

I love you Uncle, Papa, Gigi, Ron and Gridgery...I danced all night for you.

Thinking about Gridge...

(August 30, 2009)

I thought moving into a new house two days after losing Gridge may have been a blessing in disguise.

I'm not really sure anymore.

All I can do is think about how Gridge would have claimed certain areas in the new house.

Where he would have scratched up the walls.

Where he would have napped.

How he would have hated the stairs.

Where he would hide his stash of toys.

Where he and Kea would wrestle.

Kea is all alone now.

We're trying to give her as much love as possible but I think she's depressed (and rightly so)....

all she's doing lately is sleeping...

New Start

(August 29, 2009)

It's moving day.

I had a much harder time getting out of bed this morning...

then I realized Gridge would be disappointed in me if I didn't get on with it.

I continued packing before the family came over to help us move.

I went outside for something and almost stepped on a HUGE slug!

Another sign from Gridge?

He LOVED playing with slugs in Hawaii.

By the end of the day we'd finished moving all the furniture and big items to the new house.

My husband and Kea and I were surrounded by family and friends...

together they helped push us forward to a new start....whether they realized it or not.

I'm so thankful to have these people in my life.

All in all....a very bitter-sweet day for me.

Moving on....literally...

(August 28, 2009)

No time to grieve today.

We closed on the new house, so I was forced to get up and out of bed this morning.

We're also moving THIS weekend, so we had a million and a half things to do to get prepared for tomorrow's move.

I can't even think straight.

I can't believe I woke up this morning and Gridge wasn't at the side of the bed waiting to greet me.

I can't believe I didn't get any Gridge kisses today.

He's really gone.

I part of me went with him.

I'm on auto-pilot right now.

We picked up a U-Haul truck for the move after we closed on the house and happened to get a truck with a Hawaii postcard on it....

a sign from Gridge? (Gridge was born and raised -by me- in Hawaii)

He's gone...

(August 27, 2009)

I lost my Gridgery today.

It breaks my heart to write this.

It's been the worst, absolute worst, day of my life.

The past few days had been very hard on him.

I took these last photos of him yesterday....

Again, Kea wouldn't leave his side.  She must have known he was sick.

This was a new area of the yard he started laying in during the past few days.

We couldn't figure out why he changed places in the yard.

I'm took heartsick to include the details of his passing at this time.....

but we were together, as we will always be.....

Rest in peace my sweet baby boy....

Gridgery Lee 2000-2009