Sunday, July 11, 2010

I don't know how to thank him...

(May 31, 2009)

When I fell to the lowest point in my life, he jumped into the hole with me.

When I cried until my insides burned, he comforted me.

He held me as best one could with paws instead of arms.

He nudged me with his nose if ever I hid my face from him.

When I spoke, he listened.

When I was angry, frustrated or sad, he made me laugh.

When he felt I was in danger, he protected me.

There were no secrets between us.

There was never a day he wasn’t happy to see me or I him.

He is the most loyal companion I’ve ever had in my life, and he’s dying.


Fucking cancer.

Cancer is going to take my baby away from me.

Nine years we’ve been together. He’s been soothing my soul for my entire adult life.

Now a Vet is telling me to prepare myself for the worst.

He could live another few years.

He could live another week.

We can try to fight his cancer the same way we’d fight it in a human. Chemo therapy, drugs, etc. Only he wouldn’t understand why I’m forcing him to have all of these extremely unpleasant things done to him. He wouldn’t understand why I’m causing him pain. He wouldn’t understand that I’m simply trying to buy more time with him.

I can’t put him through that. I just………...can’t.

So I’m spending every moment I can with him.

I’m holding him, playing with him, spoiling him, smelling him.

He doesn’t seem sick right now. He’s in good spirits. It’s hard to imagine he may…………....

It’s just hard to imagine.

When I do imagine it…I can’t stop thinking about what will happen when he does pass.

Will he go to sleep in this world and wake in another?

Will he be scared because he’s alone? Will he be alone?

Will there be someone to comfort him during thunderstorms? (He hates thunder)

Will there be someone to rub his ears and stretch out his hips? (He has bad hips)

I just need to know that someone will look after him.

I need to know he’ll be taken care of……….….after all these years of taking care of me.

Fucking cancer.

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